I am watching Serendipity, a movie that has a one word title that I didn’t know the meaning to. Apparently, it means a fortunate accident. I have never thought about such a thing, a fortunate accident. The movie makes me laugh because its all based on fate and what destiny has in store for us. I am so used to forcing things, forcing love and friendship instead of just waiting for it to happen.

I know that things happen for a reason and there is a reason that right now we are not together. Please don’t hate for hoping one day we are together. I had already started to imagine everything and letting go of those dreams with you is heartbreaking. To know that was simply a week or two late is devastating. If I had just said yes earlier we would be together and we would be ok, because I love you and I know that. I was willing to wait to have children in order to make it where you had become comfortable in your job, or if you decided to go back to school soon. I had been praying for you to have patience with me.

I am sorry I just need to get everything out. I didn’t realize that we were so close to being over. I didn’t know, I thought we were ok. I thought you were going to wait because I had so many plans for the month of July. I had looked up real recipes to cook you dinner so I didn’t have to use a jar sauce. I had imagined you feeling safe in my arms, imagined embracing you at night before bed. Holding you as you sleep peacefully knowing that we would be together.

I do believe you are the love of my life and seeing everything now is almost more then I can handle. I am having to pretend that it does not hurt and you telling me it gets better makes me hurt worse. Because I don’t want to fall out of love with you because loving you makes me feel alive. Don’t worry I am not going to interfere with your life. I know you are happy now and I am so happy for you but letting go of the dreams I had of us is killing me. I am not going to bother you because I would never want another woman to interfere with my relationships.

Is it bad of me to want to believe for a little bit longer. You did that right? You held when I was hurting you. Well then let me hold on beautiful because it took my to long to acknowledge how much I loved you and to let all the go to waste is more then I can dream of right now. It was only a month ago where you believed in forever with me too. Why the hell did I keep waiting, I was ready, I was ready!!  Now I am so angry at myself. I know I hurt you and I know that I never deserved as many chances as I got, but I thank you for every one of them.

You are in my prayers and I hope that your future relationship with her is everything you dreamed of. I promise I will work to rebuild a friendship with her if no other reason but to ease the strain that our animosity has caused. I know that it will get better, I never doubted that, I just still in shock. In two weeks everything was suppose to be perfect, a chance to rebuild our relationship away from the people we love. And now that is gone, and I may never get another chance to hold you and tell you that you are the only person for me. I knew when I was leaving him it was the right decision and I am sorry I doubted that and hurt you. I wish I could change it, I wish I could change a lot of things.  Serendipity.

If you ever wonder what could have been, give me a call…I choose to wait a little bit longer, if for no reason but to simply be better for you in the chance that you do call.