To be gay, to be a lesbian was not what I had in mind when i was younger. To be gay was not something i had planned on. I like most of my peers dreamed of fancy dresses, big receptions, children born into a mother-father family. I dreamed of everything that society had to offer. I do not believe that we are meant to give up those dreams, but that those dreams have to be redeveloped. I pray at night for a wife, a woman that I can cherish, for a woman that I can help provide for, and whom I can love til death do us part. I dream not of just a woman, not of just a wife, but a partner in life, in love, in death. Someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can grow with. I know what I want in life. I have even seen it in glimpses, but I know I am not ready. So many people in this world are born knowing, born into acceptance through their families or friends but this path is not one that I have walked easily. I have seperated myself from everything that familiarized me with the concept of homosexuality. In hopes that by irradicating that part of me, that I would be able to not be gay. Whether this is unfortunate or fortunate I can honestly say I know who I am now, because without a single gay person in my life, a single person who can convince me one way or another, I still dream of women, I still believe that she is out there.
I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and for the world to be rainbows and puppy dogs. I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and to be ok with who I am. I dont even expect to wake up tomorrow and be able to say outloud that I am gay. What I do expect, is to make progress everyday. To make one step in front of another. To eventually reach my hand out toward someone and to bring them into my arms. I do expect to one day love again. This path has both bruised and broken me. I have let go of all my friends (and I acknowledge that that was by my own doing and not because of who they are). I have heart my family while I have struggled with this conceptually, but I will be stronger for it. I do not expect to ever have some of those people back into my life, because some bridges can not be rebuilt. I am simply putting down into writing, what my heart has been crying out. I am gay, I have been broken, I have struggled, but I am not dead yet and I am praying that through the acknowledgement that I am whom the world has been telling me for months if not years that I am, that I can one day be a better person. I am praying that one day I can hold my head up high and be all the things that I once dreamed of. I thought being gay took all those dreams away, but its in its redevelopement that I have realized the beauty that hopefully one day I will experience in life. To be and to have a wife, to be a mother, to love, and to raise our children in a loving and christian home. I pray that that day comes quickly but not until I am ready.
I am gay, and I cry alot because I am not to a point where it doesnt hurt anymore. I dont believe that being gay is choice because if it were I would have ran from it, and I did run but it is now that I realize that you cant run from who you are. My heart hurts at holidays because I do realize that they will never be quite right for me. I dont know that I will ever be able to bring my future partner home for the holidays. I do acknowledge that my family loves me, and that one day when I stop pushing the world out of my life, that I will once again have friends who I love and whom love me. It is in knowing what I have already lost that hurts me the worst, knowing that friendships that had initially pulled me through, that had been the most honest are the ones that I will never be able to regain and for that I am both deeply humbled and saddened. It is only when we look back that we can see how we have gotten to where we are. I am far more ok today then I was yesterday but that being said does not imply that I will no longer make mistakes, that I will no longer make misguided decision nor does it imply that I wont have bad days. I know that there will be bad days and good days and that you have to take them in stride.
I pray for understanding for both me and for those around me. I pray for whoever my future is to be spent with, hoping that they are currently being treated well. I pray for acceptance for myself because it is not until I am ok with who I am that I can expect others to be ok with me. This process has taken me years now to be just to this point. I do not expect miracles over night. Life is but a crazy mess, it is all about deciding which road you will travel next.
