JUST RUN UP TO ME AND KISS ME! I NEED TO KNOW YOU WANT ME BEFORE I DO THIS...PLEASE GOD JUST KISS ME

I don’t know how to stop this, this madness that is inside my head. I love her, I love her more then I love myself and yet I find myself acting truly selfishly simply because I know not what to do. I have gotten myself in a bind, in a place that I cant get myself out of. I just want to be loved, I just want to feel alive. I miss her, I miss the way she touched me, I miss the way her hand felt in mine I miss holding her. SHIT! I thought it would go away, I thought the anger that I still held towards her for the way she made me feel this summer would be enough to keep me from her, but it has resided and I need her.

The cuts keep getting deeper, the blood is running thicker…and the only way I can find out is completely out of this world

Here is my friendly advice...If you love someone fight for them, if you are scared be couragous, if you need help ask for it...and for GOD SAKE BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!!

Ten Reasons Why Today SUCKED!

10.) I am just getting home and it’s a 11 o’ clock… plus I have to be back at work at 10 in the morning.

9.) Its tax free weekend which means people are angry, in a hurry, and just generally bitchy

8.) I didn’t get to see Abigayle

7.) I feel like I have become more a burden on my friends then a benefit to them

6.) I really wanted to curl up in the daddy’s arms and cry, but I know he is not there for me anymore

5.) I miss her…enough said

4.) I almost cried when I looked in the mirror this morning because of how damn fat I am.

3.) My assistant manager fussed the hell out of me.

2.) I locked my keys in the house which meant I didn’t have a car key.

1.) My dad is in the hospital and has been for almost 3 days now and my parents didn’t bother to call. My brother had to tell me and he did so because apparently its pretty damn serious…My dad could die and he didn’t want me there.

Thank you my friends who helped me out by getting me to and from work and especially those who are praying for my family...I am really scared

The irony of the situation is that if I would just start writing hard core again in my journal i would never explode on people the way i have lately...when it is tucked away on paper, the world is a better place...and it revolves better. 

The other ironic thing, i really dont want to sleep with her...I just want to be loved and i feel so damn lonely right now...Everyone has someone...and well I seem to have lost the last bit of something i had

I thought parents were suppose to love unconditionally.

Ash

Be careful my little ones for the words I say are true, not everything you hear once or twice, will be all truth to you. For one can lie, and tell truth the next, or bid for a moment where life corrects, moments of inerrancy are far from between especially when in love with people so obscene. What is truth? What is lie? Does lie become truth in a moments sigh? Can we hold on to forever, or does forever hold true to us? Is this simply a game where all is lust? Lust hard, love strong, let go of no one and in the morning you will see my truth, tonight is all we have so let it be just for us two.

“You want this night to never end…” ~Haste the Day

I am such a good liar I can make myself believe the lies I tell. I learned it when I was little, that if I just reinforce in my head something enough times that even I won’t remember the truth. I think that is where we are right now. I no longer know the truth, though I admit I must have at one time. Last night sucked. My parents randomly showed up at the house and we went to eat what I am now fondly calling the quickest meal ever eaten at a sit down restaurant. I think we can honestly say they are gone now. I feel like an orphan and I am not sure that it is going to be worth it in the end.

Who am I? The stupidest question ever posed because if we had any idea the answer to it we would never ask it. But who can know the answer to it? How can you truly know yourself? The funny part is, I think I know who I am at least in the important aspects, ok one important aspect the one I am writing about as we speak. I know where I stand as far as my orientation goes but I also know that it hurts a lot more to be true to myself then it would to just lie. I feel more confident about myself when I flirt with boys, I feel like I actually have this meaning in my life. I think that just goes back to being lonely though. Which honestly I haven’t been all that lonely lately, it has truly been this turning point to me. I am finally feeling happy with who I am, excluding orientation but who I am as a person. I actually kind of like myself, though I need to work on a couple of things still (aka my appearance boo!). I like working and going to school and passing out at bed time because I am so incredibly exhausted. I need to learn some time management skills but other then that, I mean who cares…live life to the fullest!!

I know that I am 100% attracted to females, which sucks in my opinion. Women are such uber bitches, myself included. I want to be held and to hold, to be loved and to love, but do women know how to provide both roles for one another? I doubt that. Gay until graduation…maybe there is truth in that, I needed to get it out of my system. Do I think I will go off and marry some guy, no. I just think I might be a little less open about who I am once I am off this campus. Right now though, I want to shake the foundations, I want to affect some kind of change. Me, Ashton, and Faith Beam are going to have a meeting about homosexuality on campus. I am not sure how I feel about this yet but I do know that it is the first step.

Even more so this battle of sexual orientation has pulled me away from the most important thing in my life, my faith. I find myself struggling daily with being a Christian, I drink more, I cuss more, I am all around a worse person because of this battle. Would it be better to once again deny that part of me in hopes that I can regain the parts that mean the most to me? Those are the answers I crave, well unless God you want to send me someone completely amazing, who I can be myself with and who helps me to get back to you.

C’est le Vie…

Ashley

FUCK TRYING ANYMORE

I guess I should have given up before I did. I mean honestly she wasn’t into me right? If she had been she would have wanted to be around me. I finally give up! And I told her that. SO FUCK THE WORLD….because for some God damn reason I am crying right now…FUCK THE WORLD

I can’t lie, the way I feel right now is pathetic. Last night was amazing, truly one hundred percent amazing and yet today I feel like shit. Why? Why, do I let people get to me the way I do? Because nothing good ever happens to me. Nothing good ever will happen to me because for some reason God thinks this is his best joke ever.

I never should have allowed myself to get my hopes up, never should I have for a second thought that I would see her two days in a row. I knew better and yet for some reason I fell to the adversary named hope. I am fine when I am not faced with relationship every day. When it is just me, sitting in this room alone, I realize that she needs time and space from me. I mean even I like to be alone a good portion of time. I know that if we could just make it through the summer, that the school year will be so busy that ever second I can spend with her or talking to her would be so precious that it wouldn’t matter if it was simply for a second. Here though, in this time, I am faced with my friends dating and sleeping (as in the same bed not sexually) together. I miss those things, I can not lie but when I am not faced with them I am fine.

I don’t know what happened today. I think it was a combination of so many factors. Last night was a good night and I wanted more of it. I knew the fireworks were tonight and I haven’t seen them in so long I thought it would be fun to go and watch. My friends encouraged me all through out the day and I know they did it in the best of spirits but when things don’t work out, well then it hurts. I am scared that I am pushing her away, when all I want to do is pull her closer. I want to be the best that I can be when she is around and yet I seem to my chances more then not.

Right this moment I am thinking clearly, very clearly and I understand the benefits of slow relationships. That kiss last night was so damn innocent and yet it was almost mind blowing. I haven’t felt that feeling in so long. The one where the whole world disappears for a moment. I need to get involved again, and I know this week will be better. I mean I have a paper due Thursday and I am working this week which means thankfully I will not be sitting here so much. I never intend to make her feel bad and I know I do and that sucks so badly. I just want to make her life better, I just want to make her smile because she makes me smile so much.

So what do I do now? Do I leave her alone until…? Do I pray she texts me back, or do I just back off because I don’t want to cause any more damage then I already seem to have.

I don’t know what I am suppose to do and I think that is the worst part of it all. Not knowing what the future holds. Tomorrow will be another good though because I have set my mind to it. Tomorrow will be a good day.

There is so much on my mind. Last night was “interesting” but good there is no doubt. She held my hand all through the movie, god I forgot how good it feels just to hold hands. That was all I wanted and I was honestly sad when the movie ended. The night was crazy though. We got there and they had already been drinking. She looked so amazing, god there is something about her in these white sunglasses that just makes me think “How the hell did I get here?” I don’t know what I am suppose to think you know? Anyways, her friends who were hosting had grilled kabobs and made all kinds of great food. It was fabulous! She drank with the rest of them and damn when we went to the movies they were all a little wasted. Oh well!!

The best part though, was when we were driving back to my car. We hugged, and then I thought I would grow some balls and I kissed her on the cheek. YAY GOD!  But the best part was as I was getting out of the car she pulled me back in and kissed me!! And granted it was one of those little kisses but hell who needed to see fireworks last night, I felt them. Of course being the idiot I was I got lost on my way home from Durham and ended up going through downtown Raleigh?! How the hell did I do that? Oh well, I made it right and that’s all that matters.

I have got to learn some patience though because she wants things to move so slow and she is worried last night was way to fast…but hell if things are this amazing I am cool with staying here for a while.

A tear. A single tear falls down from my eyes and I am not sure what to make of it. A single tear and once it is drowned in my clothing there is nothing left to fear.

Today has been less then interesting.  I hung out with a friend, a friend who made me think about things I was not interested in thinking about. He made me think about all the ways I am messing up my life. He made me realize how badly some of my decisions may come back to haunt me. Why am I going down the path that leads to no where?

If I ask you out on a date right now would you say yes? Of course you wouldn’t because you and I both know that you deserve better, more then I could ever offer you. You are all over me today, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I don’t want to stop thinking about you.

Bad timing as usual….you have moved on to better things. I pray that she treats you right.

Last night i was so depressed when i came home...and seeing everything that was going on, their happiness was just like the straw the broke the camel back. So, i took like into my own hands.

What's wrong with making new friends. NOT A DARN THING....I am so happy!! I talked to her for like 3 hours last night. She is recently, as in like April, out of a relationship and therefore she is still healing, which makes me so happy because i dont have to worry about it becoming something neither of us wants. She is amazing though, going into wildlife rehabilitation which means she has a love for animals. She like the outdoors and she very outgoing which is always nice as i am not and makes it where there is someone pushing me along to be more so. We talked about life and who we are and what we want. 

I think overall it just made my night to realize that i can move on if i so choose. We shall see what happens because i mean she is far away and we are both still healing but shes nice. Granted we had some different perspectives on things but thats what makes life fun right? I dont know I am just really excited right now, we talked about meeting for coffee or something in the coming week, i guess we shall see. Its nice to be happy! Let's hope it lasts.