I know that I am gay...I know that I like women...I know that one day I hope to fall asleep and wake up beside one woman, the same woman everyday for the rest of my life. I know that deep down I am christian...but not today, maybe not tomorrow. I know that I want a family. Consisting of biological and adopted children. I know what I want. But in life you cant have everything when you want it. I am not ready to be who I am. And while I cant change who I am, I know and am finally mature enough to understand that I can not expect someone to be willing to be with me before I am ok with me. I am gay. I have been in love with a woman. I have made love to that same woman, and sometimes at night I believe that she is the one. But sometimes in life, the one slips through our fingertips, sometimes in life we are not ready to be the person they need for us to be. To love someone takes courage, to be in love with someone takes stamina, and to walk away from love, from true love because you realize that you are bad for a person, that my friends takes your breath away.

To be gay, to be a lesbian was not what I had in mind when i was younger. To be gay was not something i had planned on. I like most of my peers dreamed of fancy dresses, big receptions, children born into a mother-father family. I dreamed of everything that society had to offer. I do not believe that we are meant to give up those dreams, but that those dreams have to be redeveloped. I pray at night for a wife, a woman that I can cherish, for a woman that I can help provide for, and whom I can love til death do us part. I dream not of just a woman, not of just a wife, but a partner in life, in love, in death. Someone I can share my dreams with, someone I can grow with. I know what I want in life. I have even seen it in glimpses, but I know I am not ready. So many people in this world are born knowing, born into acceptance through their families or friends but this path is not one that I have walked easily. I have seperated myself from everything that familiarized me with the concept of homosexuality. In hopes that by irradicating that part of me, that I would be able to not be gay. Whether this is unfortunate or fortunate I can honestly say I know who I am now, because without a single gay person in my life, a single person who can convince me one way or another, I still dream of women, I still believe that she is out there.

I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and for the world to be rainbows and puppy dogs. I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and to be ok with who I am. I dont even expect to wake up tomorrow and be able to say outloud that I am gay. What I do expect, is to make progress everyday. To make one step in front of another. To eventually reach my hand out toward someone and to bring them into my arms. I do expect to one day love again. This path has both bruised and broken me. I have let go of all my friends (and I acknowledge that that was by my own doing and not because of who they are). I have heart my family while I have struggled with this conceptually, but I will be stronger for it. I do not expect to ever have some of those people back into my life, because some bridges can not be rebuilt. I am simply putting down into writing, what my heart has been crying out. I am gay, I have been broken, I have struggled, but I am not dead yet and I am praying that through the acknowledgement that I am whom the world has been telling me for months if not years that I am, that I can one day be a better person. I am praying that one day I can hold my head up high and be all the things that I once dreamed of. I thought being gay took all those dreams away, but its in its redevelopement that I have realized the beauty that hopefully one day I will experience in life. To be and to have a wife, to be a mother, to love, and to raise our children in a loving and christian home. I pray that that day comes quickly but not until I am ready.

I am gay, and I cry alot because I am not to a point where it doesnt hurt anymore. I dont believe that being gay is choice because if it were I would have ran from it, and I did run but it is now that I realize that you cant run from who you are. My heart hurts at holidays because I do realize that they will never be quite right for me. I dont know that I will ever be able to bring my future partner home for the holidays. I do acknowledge that my family loves me, and that one day when I stop pushing the world out of my life, that I will once again have friends who I love and whom love me. It is in knowing what I have already lost that hurts me the worst, knowing that friendships that had initially pulled me through, that had been the most honest are the ones that I will never be able to regain and for that I am both deeply humbled and saddened. It is only when we look back that we can see how we have gotten to where we are. I am far more ok today then I was yesterday but that being said does not imply that I will no longer make mistakes, that I will no longer make misguided decision nor does it imply that I wont have bad days. I know that there will be bad days and good days and that you have to take them in stride.

I pray for understanding for both me and for those around me. I pray for whoever my future is to be spent with, hoping that they are currently being treated well. I pray for acceptance for myself because it is not until I am ok with who I am that I can expect others to be ok with me. This process has taken me years now to be just to this point. I do not expect miracles over night. Life is but a crazy mess, it is all about deciding which road you will travel next.

I never thought in my life, that I would get back to the point that I currently am resting at. I thought I had gotten myself back on track, back to the path of understanding and enlightenment. What I realized is that I am the only person around me who has not gotten themselves back on that track. I dont see the joy in living life anymore. The closer I come to moving into my house, in which i have been stalling for weeks now, the more i realize that it could days before someone finds my body. Days before someone realizes that I am missing. And then one day they will notice that my car has moved from the driveway and the realize that i had recently bought a gun...and suddenly everything will make sense.

I read so many websites this week for people who are thinking about suicide and each time they distract me long enough to regain some form of composure and then i realize when the next little thing happens that I will never be ok. nothing has changed and yet nothing is getting better. I am beginning to feel like the world really would be better without me. And damn it, I never really want/thought i would be at this point again. I have started cutting again, slowly a couple of weeks ago...initially i know it was a cry for help but no one helped me...no one saw me. I am invisible...i have burnt every bridge.

I dont know how much longer i will hold out...days maybe, weeks....but it wont be much longer unless something crazy happens...i wont make it much longer at all....

 Sometimes I dont know why I keep this thing, I dont really know why I got it in the first place. I guess I was trying to keep up with certain people in my life at the time. But right now, I need to get some things off my chest. 

I am going to be aunt again, this time my other brother's wife is pregnant and while I am really excited, I find that I am not excited at the same time because once again i realize how much of a failure I seem to be at my life. My brothers are both married and now both technically have children and here I am sitting on the sidelines completly single. and without any prospects. My grandmother gave me a lecture the other night about how she was so sure that me and ryan would have ended up together. It broke my heart because she ended the conversation by saying that she wasnt sure she would make it to see me get married and have children, that she was getting to old. This isnt how i pictured life. Me and Mike and had long conversation that night thought, I think he is the only person in my family who is glad ryan and I arent together...but I digress.

I find that with every passing day, I grow a little bit more confident in who I am. Who I am as a single person that is. But with the ballet season coming I also find myself disappointed that I have no one to attend the ballets with. Who wants to go by themselves? At work everyone is married and several have children and yet they are all hovering around the 25 year old age bracket. Did I miss something? I dont think I want a mate at this point in time, I think i just miss having someone to go to events with, say like the Talecris Family picnic that I have two wonderful tickets too...who the hell am I going to take?

I havent been to see a movie in a long time, because while I dont mind going out to eat by myself I havent gotten the courage up to go to a movie or to a club alone yet. It seems to me that that would take some special act of god for it to be ok. I feel like I am wasting my time writing this. But so many things have been bothering me lately. Two people wont leave my head alone and I dont know why. I dont know why I think the way I do. I thing about you a lot...and I mean a lot, I dont know how many days a week i think about calling you to see if you want to do something and then I think about how bad we are together sometimes and I feel like I shouldnt go down that path. Ok so that just sound like I should have sent it in email form but instead I wrote it so others can read it and so that it wouldnt be addressed solely to you. Why are you still in my head?

I feel like I shouldnt date until I have things figured out, where I am going to live if I am going to stay with my current job or start looking again...why or what kind of person I am looking to date in the future. I cant just walk up to someone and be like hi I'm Ashley I am not sure why gender of person I want to date ur cute even though that is exactly how I feel.

On a side note I am looking forward to the pride parade which I will totally be at but unfortunatly not for as long as I wanted to be. Sad times. But none the less I am going damn it...if it is the last thing i do.

Live each day to the fullest.

 You have been on my mind a lot lately...i dont know what that means, maybe it doesnt mean a thing

 Crying...I cant stop crying....I feel so weak so helpless...its like when you finally get to the top of the world everything else looks so insignifcant and then you fall...and I now I cant stop crying

Everyday I find that I hate my life a little bit more...everyday my thoughts drift a little bit farther to the side that i am scared i wont come back from...

 Twenty Random Facts About Me

 

1.)    Above all things, Religion, Faith, and Spirituality included, I believe that fate rules us all.

2.)    I am solely theistic and have found that, that is the basis for my multidimensional beliefs

3.)    I believe that the peacock is the most beautiful animal of all time

4.)    While I do believe that we each of a “soul mate” I think only the minority of people find their soul mate because humanity is far to impatient

5.)    I have watched the Tour de France with my father for like the last 9 years

6.)    I think that one has to have hope if they have any chance of find true happiness

7.)    My favorite food is pizza with broccoli and cheese soup coming in a close second

8.)    I am not proud of much in my past however I cant regret the past because I wouldn’t be the person I am without the past

9.)    I am an activist at heart

10.)                        I don’t think that humans have any right to judge one another because no one knows what it is like to be in some one else’s shoes

11.)                        I want to adopt a mixed baby because I think they have the most beautiful skin

12.)                        Titanic is my favorite movie of all time. I have probably watched it 15 times this year alone.

13.)                        The tiger lily is my favorite flower because it has freckles

14.)                        While I only have 4 tattoos presently, I am no where near stopping and therefore hope to be covered in symbols of who I am

15.)                        I want to get married on 12-21-2012…I just don’t know to whom I shall marry on that day lol

16.)                        I get really emotional when I see truly happy couples

17.)                        I considered not taking my new job because I hate change and the anxiety it brings upon me

18.)                        I have a heart cut into my chest

19.)                        I hate social workers with every fiber of my being…I’m sorry for those of you who are in that profession

20.)                        I find that above all things, animals are both the greatest blessing and the greatest friend humanity will ever find

I feel like things have become a waste of my time. I want for nothing, I need for nothing, and yet I am completly unsatisfied with life as it is. I can't bring myself to date because in dating I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table.

I am so confused. It seems everyone has things down except me. People are lining up their jobs, marriages, families, or buying their first houses...but me I am sitting back and watching. I guess I should get in line and take my turn

I have the flu and I am currently the sickest I have ever been in my life. I have had a fever for several days and can barely sit or stand because my whole body aches. Last night I couldnt even change my own clothes. I have cryed a lot also in the last couple of days because I wish I knew what it was like to have someone by my side who I didnt question daily. ...I am a whiny bitch I guess, her life is moved on, her life is better, I should leave it alone....I should leave it alone....

I keep praying for death because I have honestly never hurt as bad as my body does right now...

HAHA I got two new neck piercings!!! SO HAPPY!!!

I think I must live in some fictional world....a world that no one else is able to see. I do believe people can love and continue to be friends even when love does not abound. Am I the only person who lives there? Be cut out of the world everyone else seems to live in is beyond depressing. I am not alone am I? My parents are worred about this union set before me, should I be comforted or scared by their sudden realization that that the world is not all black and white. I will raise my children in that way. I dont think there are definant answers, i dont think things have to be laid out and according to plan. To love is to be alive, not to be loved but to love! I love!!!! I love life, nature, everyday everydayness. Granted there are days when I wish life were more profound, where I wish I was more open to the ideas of those different from me but i don think because my ideas are less open they are more invalid.

Sometimes I wish you would just talk to me but I guess in your eyes we were never friends...but I tried this summer to be that to you as I wanted that in return.

Why do we make things so difficult? Why cant we all just get along? Am I as evil as you make me out to be?
I like to pretend that the world is a beautiful place and that we meet beautiful people along the way and the meeting of those beautiful people enhances our lives. But I guess I am the only one who thinks in such a manor.

You probabley wont even read this because I wrote it and even if you do I will never know because you  wont nothing to do with me. Last year at this time I was thinking about Valentines and how I could make it a good expierence with you and this year I choose not to celebrate valentines anymore. Instead I am dog sitting for my parents and he is going home so that I can keep that memory of us, no matter how many things went wrong that night. To be alive....to be alive and in the person you love arms is more then a blessing, its a miracle to be with your other half at the right time. But like many gifts in life, we often let go of them before the right time. To be alive....

So what?! Are we not to speak again? Will you acknowledge me at graduation, will you walk past me? Or have you decided now forever and forever always that our last words were goodbye, one random night.

I believe that we were put in each others lives for a reason, and for god sake I dont know what that reason was and I thought I did and maybe I  ust choose not to acknowledge that right now but I  KNOW THERE WAS A REASON. I have been nothing but meloncholic this year, wishing I could walk across the street to your apartment, wishing I could go back knowing what I know now and redo everything, and knowing what I know now I would have still left him. I would have still placed on a scar on my heart when I handed that ring back and I would have walked to your apartment to cry in your arms. I cant say that I wouldnt have doubted that decision a hundred million times but I would have made that decision knowing everything I know today. But what is in the past is simply that right? I wouldnt have doubted us so much had I known things with you and her would not work out but in my head, it always seemed to work better for you to be with her and in my head I wanted you to be the happiest you could be and therefore being with someone who was as damaged as I was and am was not in your best interest.

Will you read this? I doubt it and therefore maybe I am writing to myself or maybe this one last form of communication with you will be cut as I wil be blocked from your life here as well, but I hope not.....

You know Andrea wants what is best for you and as much as people dont want to acknowledge it...THEY NEVER WANTED US TOGETHER! And as much as I do love my room mates i will forever hold a small piece of hatred in my heart for they way they made me feel when I was with you and I know that shows how weak I am. One day, I will realize the gravity of the mistakes I have made bcause I do not blame my current life on those around me but my only inability to stand on my own two feet, but I do blame the broken state of my heart on them. They never wanted us together and yet they call themselves our friends, were they really protecting us?! because in my eyes they were just trying to get themselves out of an "uncomfortable situation". I wish beyond anything I could just allow myself to get drunk overwhelmingly drunk and just tell them to their faces how much they have hurt me but I cant because like everything else in my life I feel like I have to follow what the world has set out for me.

Maybe I am just bitching....but I miss you as my friend and more often then not as my lover....and while i know that that does not help me in regaining a friendship with you I do hope that you will one day once again acknowledge my existance on this planet....

I know i am gay...that has never been in question...but most days i think i am more gay then straight and so do my friends...so what do you do when you come to a conclusion like that....

Even more so is the fact that my desire to be male grows daily....I am so fucked up

Stay tuned for suicide

Today is my biological dad's birthday, I miss him so much...I cried most of the morning